


Darkness is Serene

by sansytheskeleton



Series: Self-Indulgent Trashy Angst [2]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Agender Character, Asexual Character, Blood, PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION!, Reader Is Frisk, Reader Is Not Frisk, Reader-Insert, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, it can be read either way, possibly aromantic character, reader hates themselves, seriously reader has a deep hatred for themselves, seriously theres a lot of blood, this is not a happy story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-03
Updated: 2016-10-03
Packaged: 2018-08-19 07:07:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8195168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sansytheskeleton/pseuds/sansytheskeleton
Summary: Darkness is the best kind of peace. Right?You try to kill yourself.Read with caution.(Major character death is there for the warning of the suicide attempt mostly).





	

**Author's Note:**

> hello!!  
> yes i know i should be working on the nebmeister but... im lazy okay  
> to those of you reading that i promise it is coming!! just... rather slowly
> 
> annnyyways so here's a really depressing one-shot i just wrote!!!  
> i hope you all enjoy
> 
> reader can be read as frisk or as just reader it doesnt matter either way
> 
> im so sorry
> 
> also there's like ten thousand trigger warnings in here so like 
> 
> read with caution my friendos

The bathroom door clicked shut.

Slowly, you turned to face the bathroom.

A dark look clouded your face; you could _feel_ the sadness radiating off of it.

You gripped the knife in your dominant hand.

You were going to do it; and nothing was going to change your mind.

You made your way over to the bathtub. All of your movements were slow; mechanical, even.

You wanted - no, you _needed_ to do this. It was the only way to get rid of the thoughts... the only way to get rid of the emptiness - the sadness inside you.

You just wanted it to stop.

Once you were sitting in the tub, you pulled out your phone and placed it on the side, leaving it open to your notes.

You had deleted everything off of your phone, all the depressing stuff... all the stuff you didn't want your family to see. You turned off the password; which was long and in words, so that nobody would be able to guess it and see what you kept hidden on your phone. But now, there was no password. You no longer needed it - you had nothing to hide.

All that was left on the phone was text messages to your family, and the note.

The note that you knew would make your family cry, but no matter what they were going to cry. You at least wanted to explain yourself.

Just in case your phone were to drop in the water, you had wrote the note on paper and placed it on your bed earlier.

Now, you turned on the water, clogging the drain so the tub would fill up.

You were still in your clothes - mismatched socks, black basketball shorts that went down to your knees, and a baggy grey sweater - but that didn't matter. You were going to die, anyway, so who cared?

...Besides, you'd rather your family not find you naked.

Once the tub was filled and most of your clothes was soaked and weighing down on you, you finally got ready to put the knife to use.

You lifted up your shorts - you wanted to end things, sure, but you wanted it to count. You wanted to do as much as you could before ending it.

You wanted to die a slow, painful death. You deserved it, didn't you?

The time was 3:47AM when you finally began to carve into yourself.

You made small, consecutive lines on your thigh at first. All very uniform, right next to each other - the blood barely came out, but it came out enough to mingle with blood from the other cuts. But maybe that was due to how close they were.

They weren't that deep. You didn't even feel it, honestly. 

Head clouded with self-hatred, you continued.

You made small cuts, long cuts, shallow cuts, deep cuts. You would squeeze and pinch the skin around each cut to make the blood flow faster. 

My, how you were fascinated with it.

When you made the cuts, nothing would happen at first. It'd be a white line. But then, moments later, it would turn red. If it was shallow, that was all it would do - you'd have to squeeze and pinch and _force_ it to spill over the cut, making small blobs of blood on the line.

If it were deeper cuts, the red would show almost immediately, and blood would start to spill out. Not too much though, not too fast. But, the cuts were wider; they weren't as thin. The deeper you go, the wider it splits.

It should gross you out.

Honestly, it did.

And you loved it.

You reopened old scars, tracing them... some were puffier than others, and you loved reopening those ones - the really deep ones. You made even deeper cuts than before, making the scar bigger, deeper, and wider. 

As time went on, your thigh was eventually completely littered with cuts and blood. There was barely anywhere left for you to cut.

On that thigh.

After you used up the space on one of your thighs, you quickly moved to the next. 

Honestly, you were so used to this, it barely affected you. The pain was minimal - only sometimes would you flinch, when you cut particularly deep, or when you struct some sort of nerve. Despite the flinch, the feeling thrilled you - oh, how nice it was to feel something.

Getting tired of the same old, useless lines, you decided to carve some words into your skin. Deep enough for them to stay for a very long time.

'F A I L U R E'

'R E S E T'

'I D I O T'

'S H E'

'H E'

' _T H E Y_ '

You ran out of room. But my, did you want you to write so many more words into your skin.

So, you did.

Rolling up the sleeve of your non-dominant arm, you brought the knife down.

You flinched - cutting the arm was definitely a lot more painful. Maybe it was just more sensitive? You didn't know why, but it was much easier to cut your thighs. Your arms, however, were a hassle. 

Tears stung your eyes. You continued.

'H A T E'

'K I L L E R'

'W H Y'

...You ran out of room again. Too bad arms were rather small. You had a lot of fat on your thighs, so there was much more room for words. On your arms, however, there was not.

You didn't even realize you were crying now.

How long has it been?

Time isn't real.

Everything is pointless.

Nothing matters in the end.

Why even try?

Just give up.

I did.

And so, you continued.

You made as many marks as you could.

In as many places as you could.

Each mark, each cut, every word... they all represented your sins. Everything that was wrong with you.

You swirled your hands in the bloodied bath water.

Your vision swam.

You felt like you've been in here for an eternity.

Maybe you have.

Maybe this is hell.

You hated yourself. You hated every fiber of your being. You were a disgrace. You didn't belong here. You deserved to die. You were just a burden. 

There were so many reasons why you hated yourself.

For starters, you killed everyone you loved. Multiple times. Well, _many_ times. And yet here you are, friends with them all, and none of them know a thing.

Well, except for Sans. Somewhat.

That was another thing; you ruined Sans's sanity.

Well, for the most part.

You killed his brother time and time again.

He remembered.

He remembered what you did.

He _hated_ you.

You made him live through hell... over and over and over again.

You made him suffer.

You knew he was just pretending when he said he forgave you. When he said it wasn't your fault. When he said he looked into it, and found an anomaly; someone... or something... who was controlling you.

You knew he was right. You knew it wasn't you.

But at the same time... you couldn't believe it.

You hurt everyone.

It was _your_ hands.

 _Your_ memories.

 _You_ did it.

You murdered them all.

Your hands were covered in dust.

How could Sans ever forgive you?

You nearly made him lose his mind. You didn't deserve his kindness.

If he wasn't faking it, of course.

He probably was faking it - for the sake of the others. He didn't want to hurt them, so therefore he pretended to like you. It was all fake. It was all a lie.

Nobody could truly love you.

And that led to another thing.

Your identity.

What were you?

A boy?

A girl?

Why couldn't you just fucking choose?

You had to make everybody's lives difficult. You had to make everybody refer to you as 'they'. Because you couldn't just make up your fucking mind, right?

You're genderless. You have a sex... but you can't find it in you to identify with it.

And you can't find it in you to identify with the other sex - the other gender.

So... you're neither.

How is that possible?

Maybe you just don't feel emotions properly.

Maybe you're just broken.

You added that word to your lower stomach.

Honestly, it was the best word that fit you.

You were broken.

As your birth mom once said... you were a _broken record_.

She said it was because you always repeated the same cycle. She meant it with not cleaning your room or doing your homework, but...

Little did she know, how _much_ it actually applied to your life.

You were a broken record.

It's as simple as that.

It makes sense why you reset the same timeline, over and over and over again...

You always have done the same things.

Fallen into the wrong crowd. Made the same, bad types of friends.

And you really never did do your homework, did you?

So how befitting it is that you would reset a point in time, over and over and over... just like a broken record would.

You were truly broken.

You couldn't _feel_. 

You couldn't feel like either a girl or boy.

You couldn't feel sexual attraction.

You couldn't even tell the difference between romantic or platonic feelings - you've ruined many friendships because of this.

Maybe you just couldn't experience romantic feelings, either. Maybe you were just in love with the idea of love - you just wanted someone to love you in that way.

But whenever anyone got close... you became uncomfortable.

You lost the 'feelings' you had for them.

You didn't like the pet names, the romance... 

None of it.

You could never understand why.

You chalked it up to being broken.

Dead inside.

 _A broken record_.

You added the word 'record' below the previous word.

Black spots were dotting your vision.

There was blood everywhere.

You could barely feel any pain.

You were numb.

You faintly noticed that tears were streaming down your face.

You finally decided to end it.

You didn't want to think about how much you hated yourself, and why, anymore.

The list could go on and on forever, and you'd rather get this over with before someone stops you.

You hear knocking on the door.

Who would be up at this time?

How long has it been?

No one should be awake... everyone should still be sleeping.

However, you pay it no mind.

It's now or never.

You drag the knife diagonally up your arms, digging deep into your veins.

You barely registered your screams of pain as you did so.

Blood was spilling everywhere, and much more quickly.

You could no longer see any clear water in the tub.

The knocking gets more incessant. 

You ignore it.

You were trying to sleep... couldn't they be more considerate? 

You close your eyes.

You can't feel anything.

The knife falls from your grip.

The door is slammed open.

Your consciousness fades.

You faintly hear yelling.

Somebody's lifting you out of the tub.

You're cold.

So, so cold.

You huddle to the source of warmth that's now carrying you away from the cold tub.

Your hearing is muffled.

You're being shaken, but you just want to sleep.

Everything fades...

You're surrounded by darkness.

**Author's Note:**

> hEyo.  
> so theres that depressing little piece of fuckery  
> what'd ya think?  
> the ending is left to interpretation (kind of) of whether or not you die  
> if anyone wants a second chapter or something i'd be willin to write it  
> no promises it'll be good tho
> 
> annnywayys
> 
> please comment what you thought!! i'd love to hear :D
> 
> have a nice day lovelies! and if you're ever struggling and you're thinking about doing something like this, feel free to comment here or message me at my tumblr!! im always willing to talk.
> 
> take care!
> 
> sansytheskeleton-ao3.tumblr.com


End file.
